UACs Adoption Conference, part 3 (Day 2)

Class #4: Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders
We have a nephew with FAS, so this class was very interesting. The lady went over some basics of what the cause is, the symptoms, the span it can take, etc. Jason asked a question, so the lady gave him some book beads while she said, "I know no one reads actual books anymore, but..." Before she finished her sentence, I had pulled out my book and replaced the band-aid I was using as a book mark with my adorable new book beads! 

Out of all the disorders we had to say yes or no to while filling out paperwork for adoption and foster care, this is one that we really talked about a lot. Filling out those papers was so difficult. How do you say no to any child in need? On the other hand, we have two sons at home, so anything that would hurt them (communicable diseases, violence, etc.) had to be out of the question. There were so many things to consider.

Class #5: Ethics and Post-Placement Agreements
This class was controversial, but I didn't know that until we were at lunch. I thought it was great.  We talked about sticking to your word, more or less. Who would argue that? With Jason and I being incredibly honest people, I saw this class as a simple reminder of what we should ALL be doing--being honest with each other before and after placement. I would never want to get a baby by lying. Jason and I really want to have a good relationship with the Birth Parents of our future child, and that can't start with a lie.


The controversial part came when contracts were brought up. Apparently, people are starting to require contracts be signed by the Adoptive Parents making them promise a certain level of communication after placement or the Birth Parents can take the child back. I would have no problem signing something pretty vague, something that said I would do what I believed was in the child's best interest at all times, and that I believe being in contact is generally the best practice, hinging on the parents not being detrimental in any way (trying to steal the child, trying to confuse them, trying to hurt them, the child falls into old behaviors every time we meet because of past trauma, etc.) I couldn't sign something specific, like saying I will write a blog post every Sunday or something, because if everyone is puking, I'm going to go take care of them rather than write a blog post. I couldn't put our family in jeopardy over something that specific. So it would really depend on the contract. Apparently, these types of contracts are way more prevalent in a foster-to-adopt situation than an infant adoption.

When we got to lunch, we sat with 3 caseworkers and a handful of adoptive parents. The other adoptive parents were saying that they would NEVER sign a contract of any sort because the slightest detail could be held against you. We had a great discussion about it, and it was enthralling to both Jason and me. The caseworkers said they were really interested in seeing our sides of things also. I just couldn't imagine being in a situation where placing my child in a different home would be the right answer. I have a couple of Birth Mother friends, and I can totally see from their perspective how a contract could put your mind at ease, and I can totally see how being held to a contract could be scary for an Adoptive Parent, since not one of us is perfect.

Class #6: Fear and Myths Dialogue and Panel
This class happened during lunch, which halted the discussion we had been having. I wasn't upset about that though; the panel was amazing! This panel was made up of almost every viewpoint on adoption. There was at least one of each of the following: Adoptee, Birth Parent, Adoptive Parent, Case Worker, and Therapist. As an audience, we got to ask questions to the panel through 3x5 cards. There were a lot of good questions and a lot of good answers. The different perspectives were incredible. The conference was based on fears and myths (as the title of this panel suggests), so each person on the panel expressed their own fears when first confronted with adoption.

The range of fears surprised me. I feel my fears are different than the fears expressed. If I'm being honest, I'm afraid of not seeing a cry for help for what it is from my future adoptive child. I'm afraid they will give me some sign of a way I could help them and I will miss it. What might they need help with? Well, as we learned at the conference, many Adoptees feel like they don't really belong to their birth family or their adoptive family. They feel "different". Sometimes they need answers to their questions, but they're afraid to ask for them. Sometimes they simply need a reassurance of your love, plain and simple. I don't want to miss the signs. I want to be there, even if the child is afraid to ask for help.


Class #7: Social Media and Its Impact on Adoption (Panel)
This class pointed out the good and bad about social media.

Good:

• Easier to find a lost Birth Parent.
• Easier to stay connected to Birth Parents.
• Gives space to each party in the adoption process without losing touch.
• Makes the acquaintences seem more casual and real, as opposed to forced or contrived.
• Can think through answers before giving a response when a question is asked.
• We can put our best foot forward by screening what goes up on social media and what stays private.

Bad:

• We can hide the bad by screening what goes up on social media and what stays private, thus not feeling fully accepted for who we are.
• Information can easily be found/leaked, even if we didn't want it to.
• People are using the internet to "exchange children", thus bypassing legal systems and putting many children at a huge risk.
• Bypassing legal systems also takes away the chance for all parties to receive proper support for healing.
• Very little monitoring can be done once a child can use the internet by themselves. (Even with protective measures, many children will figure out how to get around them.)

These were all really good things to think about! Individual stories were told that were so wonderful. The stories really pointed out to me that everything in this process will happen in the Lord's timing. He directs it all. He will not abandon those searching for family. Even if that family isn't found when we want it to be, He has his reasons for that, too. Seth has the theme in primary this week, so we've been practicing so he can have it memorized. The theme is, "The family is central to God's plan." We talked about what central means. When you understand that, and why the family is central, you know why this work of adoption MUST be so incredibly important to our Father in Heaven.

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All in all, this conference really made me feel WAY excited about adoption, because there was a feeling of peace there, even when discussing some really difficult situations. Seeing the bad that can happen as the adoption process unfolds just made me more informed, not more hesitant or scared.  I'm so glad we went, and I'm so glad Jason and I were able to go together! There wouldn't have been any way to express the feeling of the conference to him had he not been there himself, and I know I really didn't want to miss it either!